A FortySomething Life

A lot has changed

2008-01-20T15:21:00.001-05:00

Since my last post. My dad, bless him, died on November 21 and I am now learning to live alone, without anyone to care for except myself.
More later, I've just not been inclined to talk.
lin

oh, and Christine

2007-10-29T13:04:00.000-04:00

I think the point may be moot re hospice although if he gets out of the hospital his present condition probably will qualify him.
but thank you--you are a good friend
lin

Bad News good News

2007-10-29T12:53:00.001-04:00

Bad news--dad is in the hospital and doing very poorly. Didn't think he'd make the night but he was still stubbornly holding on. also peter the cat is very upset and somehow has fleas and i did manage to get some flea stuff but i think he's reacting badly to it and to the upset--after all it ts traumatic if 6 burly guys with loud radios show up in your house to take your grampy away and then your aunty lin is gone most of the time. i'd be po'd too and crying all the time. I feel so bad because I want to be with him but I need to be with dad. 16 years of life with grampy is hard to give up isn't it. I WAS hoping to take him to the vet tomorrow but don't think that's going to happen. Peter will have to put up with this and i hope he forgives me someday.

The good news which sort of makes me happy is that the red sox won the series. And the patriots demolished the redskins (sounds like a replay of the French and Indian war doesn't it?). I was in the hospital with dad when the sox won--was watching the game at midnight or whenever it happened and yes the nurses allowed the patients to stay up if they so felt the need. Nice nurses. Can't say enough about Memorial Hospital's Hodgson 5 staff. Amazing amazing people. Love them. They're putting up with me and my "I don't want to be a bother but if you don't get dad a bedpan you'll have a BIG MESS to clean up" routine.

ANyway, for the one or two out there who actually read this thing, I will keep you posted once I actually know something more. The prognosis is pathetically bad--I actually thought I would be an orphan today but somehow that didn't happen--I love my dad, want him to be around til his hundredth birthday but don't think that's going to happen. I miss him already because he's kind of been gone to me for a little bit. He has acute liver failure by the way from his hard drinking years ago (damn those 16oz knickerbocker beers) aggravated by his sneaking wine during the day in recent years when he thought I wasn't looking. But I'm on to you now, dad, only it's a little too late for me to do much about it. Ah hell, guess it's time to wrap this thing up.

Sadly,
lin

Ending a life

2007-10-25T11:03:00.000-04:00

My dad in September 2006 with our cat Peter.

I've been trying to decide if I'd rather be blind or deaf and find it's a toss up. I would really mourn the total loss of my hearing (since I am hearing impaired anyway) since I live for music, but blindness would be VERY difficult to bear. So I can understand why my dad feels as he does, losing his eyesight to MacD and glaucoma, and feeling so tired and weak all the time from just general ill health.

I was thinking a lot this morning about how it is that we can have such a hard time relating to someone wanting to die and doing everything possible to keep them from wanting to die. Perhaps because we're afraid that if we say it's OK to want to die people will take it into their own hands and kill themselves? OR that it's challenging something within ourselves? I probably need to read more about death and dying to understand this--at least in the context of geriatrics. But then I'm not sure I could handle what I read at this point.I can understand a friend's FIL's POV too--do not go gentle into that good night, "I am controlling this, it is not controlling me." He is dying from cancer and resisting going into hospice.

The context of this is that my dad, I think, is on his way out. Or least he'd like to be. It's hard for me to reconcile this shell of a man with the strong vigorous guy I know and love, who protected me, and who I still expect to protect me. I am always going to be his baby though I am now 47 to his 81. I miss the "old" Dad, the guy who was with my brother Ricky and me on a trip to New York (photo at left). This was in 1969.

I know I can't go back to those days but boy, do I miss them.

lin

Electric!

2007-10-14T14:23:00.000-04:00

Ok, so what does one do on a Saturday when the circuit board breaks (I think it was a short circuit) and the electrician can't come until Sunday? Well, in my case it was a long silent scream as my dad, god bless him, blew a gasket. Poor guy is going blind you see and depends on lights, depends on TV, depends on lots of things to keep him amused. Radio I can supply in spades since we have tons of batteries. And no, dad, gorilla tape on the breakers is not going to help. No, dad--DON"T DO THAT! Please sit down in your chair. NOW!

Never realized how much I depended on the microwave.
never realized how much I depended on the internet til I couldn't connect. Why? because the MODEM requires ELECTRICITY.
So why did the circuit actually fuse? Because my dad perpetually uses a small electric heater and that, I guess, was too much for the wiring in this old house (built in 1877) to take. the wiring's been long replaced but I guess there are things it just doesn't like. Did I say I depend on the microwave? Seriously, the power is back on--since about an hour ago. I am now able to check email (not too bad), and if I feel like it can edit some photos but I don't feel like it. Dad, the ungrateful old guy lol, is asleep in his chair because he is COLD? and why is he cold because he can't use the heater (I lied and told him that the electrician told him NOT TO USE THE HEATER). I don't like it when he does use the heater anyway because he doesn't turn it off right anyway.

but now at least I can work on my stuff without worrying. and can watch the patriots at 4:15. I am sorry because the red sox lost to the indians last night (not Maude--she's in heaven!) but there's always the next game.

Ahh, electricity! I never would have made it in the old days

Dispatches from boring jobs

2007-10-08T14:06:00.001-04:00

I found this on my computer today--it was written for a swap for swap-bot called dispatches from boring jobs. IT's too bad the photos didn't transfer over but maybe you'll get the idea of my life

June 4, 2007

Dear Alissa:

Please forgive the typed letter. I have arthritis so my handwriting has really deteriorated over the years and it is much easier to type than write.

ANYWAY, I’m writing you a letter for the Dispatches from Boring Jobs swap on swap bot. I guess I should introduce myself a bit first. My name is Lin (short for Linda) and I am 46, going on 47. I share an apartment with an elderly father and an elderly cat. I have a 27 year old daughter, Melissa. In real life (outside my job) I am a writer and sort-of artist. I love doing collage work, art journals, artist trading cards, altered art. I have not written for publication very much in recent years as my current job involves quite a bit of writing—reports, that sort of thing. I am a data administrator for a medical school, which involves data entry, analysis, trend tracking, that sort of thing. I’m also the “jill of all trades” in my office—where I’ve worked for about 17 years—in this job for 7. We have a great crew of people in the office—student workers and regular workers—not sure who’s more ‘normal.’

I can safely say that my current job has vast segments that are BORING beyond tears, such as now when I am doing data entry for over 1000 new residents and fellows who are entering the various med school programs. So I distract myself by checking Poshpoints, Swap-Bot, Ebay, my AOL mail, etc. etc. Unfortunately sometimes my boss catches me. (You know, even though I am middle aged I probably am not as mature as a middle aged person lol)

It’s ironic that I hate filing and data entry and yet I am in a job that requires large amounts of both.

We deal quite a lot with bureaucratic nonsense, high muckey-mucks who are more interested in letters being in Times 12 font than in signing them so that they can be mailed in a timely manner, or whether or not a faculty member has a middle initial, OR even that the person who wrote a letter (such as myself) cc’s themselves. As if we’re NOT going to make a copy of said letter for ourselves? AAARRGGHHHH And involving themselves in picayune details that are unimportant compared to the importance of signing off on something so someone CAN GET PAID???????? But they don’t think about money, I guess.

But you don’t want to hear about that……

So, I guess I am to answer specific questions according to the swap guidelines.

1. Three of the strangest jobs I've had...

I haven’t really had any strange jobs that I can remember. Oh wait, I did work in a candy factory making lollipops one summer. Yes, that might count as strange to some people. Summertime is NOT the time you want to work in a candy factory. Everything is sticky, sickeningly sweet smelling, and you never really feel clean. That was the summer after I was married. The good thing was that we got to keep the rejected lollipops and bring them home. The bad news was that we were so sick of smelling sugar that we didn’t have any appetite for candy!

Another sort of strange job was working for Hasbro (since I live in Pawtucket Rhode Island, Hasbro’s headquarters, it wasn’t hard to get a job there). In my part of Rhode Island it’s hard to meet anyone who hasn’t worked in some capacity at Hasbro, mostly on the assembly line making toys or in packing and shipping. My dad made pencils back in the 1940s at a Hasbro plant, and I made Mr. Potato Heads. I spent a good part of the summer of 1978 making toys at Hasbro on the 4-10 shift. The high school shift, it was. That was fun and no, I didn’t get tired of playing with Mr. Potato Heads. When we had time we would make really off the wall creations with Mr. Potato Head. I still love Mr. Potato Head and his various family members.

A third weird job—hmmm, these were unpaid volunteer jobs but I have worked as a volunteer for the Rhode Island Children’s Museum, conducting tours and helping kids enjoy the museum; as a volunteer PR intern for Trinity Rep Theater Company in Providence; and last, but not least, as a volunteer for the then Annual Cajun and Bluegrass Festival (now Rhythm and Roots). Now this is a fun time. You get to sleep in the People Barn or in the campgrounds, listen to really great Cajun and bluegrass music all weekend long, and dance the night away if you’re not working

I can’t think of any other weird jobs I’ve had.

2. One of the most bizarre things that ever happened to me at work was...

Being hit on by my supervisor. I was working as a winder on second shift in a textile mill (which means I was running machines that wound skeins of rubberized fabric). There were three women working this shift, plus a Haitian man who was our supervisor. Because I was going to school at the time, he got interested in me (god knows why) and kept pestering me to go out with him. NOT interested as I was already dating a guy. But he persisted and this was in the days before sexual harassment was really thought of as something to complain about. Finally I did agree to have dinner with him, only to get a call three days later from a very jealous wife. And for some strange reason, he quit the job. Hmmmm.

My life at work tends to be a bit bizarre in the sense that we get weird phone calls all the time. For some reason, everyone in the university seems to think that our office is the place to send calls about weird things, so we get calls about cadaver donations, anxiety studies, Viagra studies, etc.

3. Once I was so bored at work that I...

Mostly I surf the net when I probably won’t get caught.

I have, in past jobs, been able to study, work on novels, work on my art, do research for a thesis, and other things. I have run businesses… I can’t think of anything truly outrageous that I’ve ever done on the job. I know people who have done really nutty things on the job, and there’s a rumor around here that there was a guy who used to keep raunchy porn magazines in his desk drawer to read when he was bored, but I don’t know if that was really true. Maybe it was this guy.

4. The Weirdest Coworker In History Award goes to...

Actually in my office we are ALL strange.

Anyway, you wanted to know about a weird coworker…

Victor the “Secret Agent Man” who worked down the hall from us and spoke in a perpetual mumble. He worked in the Financial Services office and as part of his job would go over to Human Resources in another building to pick up paperwork and forms for various offices on our floor. There was nearly always an envelope for me with stuff I had to process. But did Victor ever come into MY office to hand the envelope to me? No, what would happen is that the door to our office would open and a hand would reach in and drop the envelope on the floor. Then the door would close and that was that. If he saw you in the hall, he’d barely acknowledge your existence. If he spoke with you, it was that MUMBLE MUMBLE (and no, I don’t mean the cute little penguin in Happy Feet . Poor Victor. We would try to be nice to him but he would just not want to know us. We called him “Secret Agent Man” because he was so stealthy about things, never wanting to draw attention to himself. He’s gone now, but still remembered—not necessarily with fondness though.

So, those are my dispatches from my boring job, appropriately written while ON THE JOB. I hope you have enjoyed my rantings, and enjoy the little treats I’m sending you with this letter.

Cheers! It’s Five O’Clock somewhere!

lin

Bazaar-itis

2007-10-08T12:35:00.001-04:00

It is not funny that I am beginning to get obsessed with this bazaar to the point where I could not sleep last night worrying about the goods I need to produce. And what am I going to produce anyway? Received goods from Chris T to sell at the bazaar so that's something. I have some things I can sell. Why am I worrying so much?

I need to find out from Jenn about the boxes because the boxes must be decorated.
the photo by the way is from last year's bazaar

stop obsessing. You DO NOT have OCD

aarrgghh

Changes Coming

2007-10-07T13:36:00.000-04:00

Well, I found out Wednesday that I will be moving offices sometime in the next few weeks. It appears that Jane, our dean, wants my old boss's office which is only logical--it's much larger than the space she was going to take with my new boss, Selene. What's happening basically is that after 10 years of having our dean on the first floor of the building and the working offices on the third floor, "they" are moving all of us together on the third floor. This is not good in the sense that now we will get Jane's restlessness and idiocy all the time (she just can't remember things, she treats people like idiots, and so on). However, it makes more sense that we all be together. It'll be good to have linda with us so that she won't feel left out of things.

Personnel has moved to the first floor--which is much more logical than having them on the third floor, don't you think. Yes, and I'm glad to get rid of the unholy trio--I never liked them much, except for the old director, Fran, who was a nice person. But she got pushed out when the new regime came in. Fun went out the window when that happened.

Jeanie, my boss, had suggested that Jane take her office but Jane, being jane decided that it was unfair to force jeanie out especially when it seemed that Jeanie was going to retire soon (and she should but maintains that she can't afford to). But I guess Jane finally decided that she did want Jeanie's office so that's going to be what happens.

Which means that Linda will move into 305 to Liz's spot--Liz will move into my spot. Then they decided that Selene the new boss will take the office where the Personnel director was (310A), I will take 310B, and Joanne will be in the outer office of this suite. COfused yet?

Jeanie gets where Liz was supposed to go (309) and has to share with either a student or Suzy, neither of which suits Jeanie's idea of what's proper. I suggested she take the closet (lol) but she nexed that.

So how do I feel about all this? Selene is jeanie's eventual replacement if Jeanie ever does retire or get pushed out. so we all will be answering to her someday. I sort of like selene but don't KNOW her well enough to judge what things will be like. I do like having my own office. Joanne being Joanne was more than willing to take the reception area even though she is "over" me as far as level goes, becaus she says I am senior to her in seniority. Which is true.

So it'll be fun. Jeanie spent the bulk of Friday cleaning her office and bugging me about the things she was discovering and how she was losing everything. Selene on the other hand was talking about how SHE was losing things. Guess it all depends how you look at it. I think I might be gaining something. we'll see

October!

2007-10-02T14:55:00.001-04:00

We are in my favorite month, which is followed by April. I love months of transition since I'm always feeling like I'm in transition from one thing to another.

Though I don't live in Massachusetts exactly (I live 7 blocks from the border with Attleboro Massachusetts), this postcard is a favorite of mine. I love the smell of the air in October and November, the quality of the light that changes from the muggy, hazy kind one sees in a Rhode Island summer to crisp and clear. Of course I will have to put up with winter but winters here aren't as rough as they used to be and we haven't had a real snowstorm (over a foot) in a very long time. Cold weather clears out the system, clears the head, and is refreshing. But then again I say that since I live in a nice warm apartment and don't have to worry about not having a bed to sleep in.
My dad would disagree with me big time since he hates cold weather and would like to turn the heat on--but I say, "It's too early--it's supposed to be in the high 70s this week"--and he grumbles as he puts on another layer of clothes. He is always cold. During the summer i will find him under the covers unless it is really really hot and humid.

I have taken 3 days off in a row from work plus the weekend. Today was a sick day as I have been under the weather for several days and finally gave up trying to brazen it out. I just didn't feel up to working today--didn't feel up to dealing with a morning meeting, and trying to figure out what I'm going to do about my job. I just checked work email and out of 587 emails only 25 were work related. Everything else was spam. YUCK.
Compare that to my AOL account which gets 1-2 spam messages a week max, and gmail which gets maybe 1 a month and one wonders why Brown's email system can't better police spam. I shouldn't have so much spam. I wish they would get their act together.

anyway, must get moving off the computer. stuff to take care of before returning to work tomorrow. Thankfully only 3 days of work before a 3 day weekend.

ttyl

There is hope

2007-09-30T13:04:00.000-04:00

Alas my blog has been sadly neglected and I can't imagine why sometimes I even set it up because it's not the impetus to writing I had hoped. Must add to calendar--MUST POST TO BLOG. Ahem.

THe big news in my life right now is that I have gone into partnership with a colleague at work to run a table at our university bazaar. I am now terrified. Why oh why have I done this? I am now obsessed with bazaaring. What am I going to sell? Obviously my stuff. Jenn will be selling her beaded creations. Her stuff is exquisite. Mine? I have expectations to meet--meaning my coworkers who are excited for me and who really have no clue what I am doing. I have no clue either.
So one thing I did was to ask some friends if they wanted me to sell THEIR stuff since I cannot be certain I will have enough of my own stuff to sell. Four people have bitten. That's something.

I went rummaging thru my own things to find things I've been hoarding and have some stuff I can alter, cards I can make, bookmarks, etc. Also went to Good Shephard's church sale and found some board prints, plates, and stuff. Also something at family dollar. Now what do I do with it.
Imagine me as a salesperson who hates to answer the phone.

Oh lordy.

on the Dad front--he's taken to taking naps in the afternoon on his bed. That's fine with me so long as he does stuff in the morning first. But I frankly think he's bored and still depressed. And since he doesn't seem to want to do anything about that, I can't fight him.

At least he can't yell about my room as my rummaging yesterday did result in 2 bags of trash and a bunch of torn up cardboard for the trash pickup.
YES!

Life as I know it

2007-09-18T15:36:00.001-04:00

I've cut and pasted from a series of emails exchanged with a friend to give you an indication of where life is right now. I am weary weary weary
lin

sent to Maude at 10:17am

Quick note and then I have to buckle down. I just came from a meeting at which I was handed yet another big project so…

What’s going on here in the reader’s digest version—we have new “leadership” which is slowly chipping away at everything that has been built to the point where people like me are feeling encircled by enemy forces. There is an atmosphere of disrespect where everything we do is questioned, our competence is questioned and it just wears you down. There are no really good jobs at my level or above that I feel competent to do at this point and I don’t feel I can leave Brown right now as my benefits are vested and my retirement plan. I would possibly gain more salary but lost a lot in benefits which is more important to me. So I don’t know yet what to do.

No, there is no one else to help me with my dad. Both brothers are out of the picture—long ago and I know at least one would make matters worse. That one, Ricky, is an alcoholic and off and on drug user, who I was very close to until his shenanigans wore me down. My dad is my hero but he is a very difficult person to deal with on several levels – always has been—I understand him and am very much like him so we get along.

My extended family (cousins, aunts, uncles) is fragmented—there was a feud some forty years ago (between my dad, my uncle Henry, and my Aunt Annette involving the health care of my grandmother) that screwed up relations amongst us and even though some of the hatchets were buried twenty-odd years ago, the damage to relations never really healed so I don’t have the relationships with my cousins that would allow me to feel I can call upon them for help which is ironic since one set of cousins is 7 strong and there are 3 nurses in that group (Elise, Suzanne and Karen—Suzanne is the one with cancer). The other set of cousins are all in Connecticut and elsewhere. Plus we’re all dealing with the same issues—Elise, et al have an elderly mother’s whose health is deteriorating; the other set of cousins has a set of parents whose health is declining—all in their 80s.

So that is where I stand. I’m a bit at a crossroads and need, like I said, a new life. I have several choices to make and things to think about and don’t know yet what I’m going to do. I have my own doctor’s appointment in a few weeks and hope that there will be a chance to talk to him about these things.

By the way, doctor’s appointment has been postponed—this time by my dad who says he doesn’t “feel up to going.” Rescheduled AGAIN. We’ll see.

I am so tired of this. And I’m not really looking forward to going home this evening.

Thanks for listening

Hugs and love always

lin

From: Maude
Sent: Tuesday, September 18, 2007 10:14 AM
To: Collette, Linda
Subject: Re: you silly goose

Lin,

Reading this I can say I do sympathize with you having been there and done that with my dad. You want to make sure that they are doing fine and can take care of themselves, but when something happens like them falling out of bed, you wonder if there is more you can do. I am glad that you are in a caregiver's group, never was able to get in one around here as there was, just like you, not a date/time when I could go. Thank God, like you said for my friends, like you, Rita, Val etc and for my church family, as there were days when I thought I would not be able to go on. It just seems like yesterday that we moved my dad from Columbus to here to live with us and then I realize he has been in heaven for over a year and a half. YOU my dear deserve a medal, for working full time and taking care of your dad. I never hear you mention any one else in your family stepping in to help, so you are doing it all on your own. Even though you and your dad have your little arguments, I am sure that he is very thankful for a wonderful daughter such as you and all that you do for him. I sure hope that he is able to get to the doctor today and maybe that will get him in a better mood.

Now for your work, what is going on there? Tell who ever is giving you a hassle that I said to take a chill pill or I will send the wet noodles after them for messing with my friend.LOL Seriously though, just take care and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

LoveandHugs

Maude

----- Original Message -----

From Me
To Maude

Sent: Tuesday, September 18, 2007 9:13 AM

Subject: RE: you silly goose

Yes, they are fighting fish. We keep Ziggy and Eddy away from each other so that they don’t get annoyed with each other.

We’ve had Eddy for about 2 years, and his previous owner had him for a good year. I believe betas live for 3 years usually so, Eddy’s at that life expectancy now.

Jean Luc was about 2 ½ years old when he went to the fish bowl in the sky.

Yes, I don’t know what’s going on with dad but the weekend was not good at all—everything we had planned (or I had hoped) went out the window because he just was not emotionally and physically able to be left--and he had a bad day yesterday that started when the doctor he was supposed to see yesterday had to postpone the appointment because of emergency surgery—he’s supposed to go today but I don’t know if he’s going to make it at this point based on last night and during the night. He fell out of bed around 4:00 OR fell trying to get into bed. I don’t know which. He buzzed me, I went in and spent a half hour calming him down and getting him back into bed. It’s a long story but this sort of thing is self-inflicted in my opinion. I know why this happened in other words and I’m po’d about it. Coupled with the really rotten day at work yesterday, coming home to finding him in a mood and him misbehaving all evening really made for a wonderful evening resulting in an argument JUST before we both turned in—didn’t sleep well Sunday night, didn’t sleep well last night even before the 4am incident. And I have as bad a day at work probably coming today and tomorrow I have to work late so you can guess I am not really my usual chipper self. I need a new life. Thank heavens for you and the others I know and the nice people I work with (not the administration) and the caregiver group (I can’t usually go to meetings because they’re not on a day/time that I can go but I can communicate with members of the group). Otherwise I’d be in the local psych hospital.

Sigh

I hope things are better for you

Love

lin

-------------------------------------------------------

From: Maude
Sent: Tuesday, September 18, 2007 9:04 AM
To: Collette, Linda
Subject: Re: you silly goose

Sorry to hear that you and your dad had a bad night. Will keep you both in prayers. How old is Eddy-fish? Are bettas the ones they call the fighting fish?

LoveandHugs

Maude

----- Original Message -----

From me

to Maude

Sent: Tuesday, September 18, 2007 8:41 AM

Subject: RE: you silly goose

He’s just not the same fish he was. He is old for a betta fish so it’s only to be expected. My ziggy on the other hand is swimming up a storm

Dad—I don’t know how he’s feeling but he had a bad night I know that. Me too.

Oh well

Hugs

lin

From: Maude
Sent: Monday, September 17, 2007 10:26 PM
To: Collette, Linda
Subject: Re: you silly goose

Oh no, what is wrong with Eddy-Fish? How is your dad feeling today? Will keep him in my prayers.

LoveandHugs

Maude

----- Original Message -----

From: Me

To: Maude

Sent: Monday, September 17, 2007 9:16 AM

Subject: RE: you silly goose

Didn’t do much for my birthday since dad wasn’t feeling well—we did have a pizza party at work which was very nice.

Thanks for everything which arrived in one piece and which I loved. Ziggy seems to like the snowglobe. Liz is afraid Eddy-fish is not long for this world though. Hope she’s wrong.

Hugs

Today is September 11

2007-09-11T16:43:00.000-04:00

one of the most crushing days in US history and I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to feel about it. I wasn't touched personally by it but in talking with a coworker I said that I still have nightmares about the towers coming down and that I do hate to see coverage of anything having to do with 9/11
Yet the worst I feel about it at the moment is that Debi's birthday is forever linked with "a day that will live in infamy", just as December 7 is a horrid day for many
I guess to the current generation 9/11 is their pearl harbor day. It's certainly mine. But who, but those who lived during and before WWII really is impacted by Pearl Harbor?
the whole notion of memory is something I"ve been toying with for a while. anyway...

more silence

2007-09-11T16:41:00.000-04:00

this is getting monotonous
but I did buy an Ipod shuffle
life is so-so but I'm doing a lot of ATCs
working very hard to get ATC_Artists organized
I need to write more

two weeks of silence

2007-08-31T11:11:00.000-04:00

I write quite a lot in my journal but it's not getting loaded here. Oh well! All is well at the moment, just really busy at work and home trying to do art. and ranting about people who don't send swaps
and ranting about Bush-man and his crew and why the heck people even believe him anymore

I need to really work on learning photoshop and elements

I have a long to do list

oh boy

this is an experiment

2007-08-16T09:47:00.000-04:00

I'm really trying to get a profile photo uploaded and it's NOT working.

this is one of my favorite photos of myself--6 years old and in kindergarten. If I could find the photo of me beating up my dad, I'd upload that!

discouraging day

2007-08-14T11:25:00.000-04:00

My dad is almost 81 and is fed up with life. His attitude and (I believe) depression is infectious and I get really down in the dumps when he's like this. It is 11:27 (I have a day off) and he is still in bed, after falling out of bed at 5am. He buzzed me for help to get back into bed and was so unhappy and blue about things that I can hardly bear it. I don't want him to die. But I'm not sure that I want him to live, feeling the way that he does. He's been such a strong rock to stand on for so long that to see him this way is upsetting and worrisome. His doctor can't help--only dad can help himself. I couldn't get back to sleep--good thing I did have the day off and got up at 9am which is NOT what I wanted but I suppose it did me good. but now I'm down myself and need to somehow pick myself up and go on.
back to work in the morning--3 more days of going in for 7:30, then taking monday off and start winter hours (8:30-5) on Tuesday. I am hoping that when we all move offices around and Joanne moves in with me that I can change to 8-4:30. That is if dad is still around. If he's not around then it doesn't really matter does it?

that picture was taken last September--dad and Peter. But he hasn't changed that much since then.
sigh

Not much to discuss

2007-08-11T20:05:00.000-04:00

been really really busy and trying to get things done. Oh well--this is me all right!
lin

Monday Monday

2007-08-06T08:08:00.000-04:00

So far so good. No catastrophes yet. But seeing as Liz is on vacation this week there's bound to be something going wrong. Jeanie is bound to get all nerved up about something. And someone is bound to go nuts.

will write later as things develop but I really need to get some work done.

ttfn
lin

just another hot day

2007-08-04T13:38:00.000-04:00

I love the word "enervating" because that's just how it feels around here. Another 3-H day, not in the mood to do very much at all but must work on the chunky book. finding things to do other than that though!
food shopping this morning. Yesterday picked up mail--haven't even opened it yet. Have a bag of stuff to sort thru, have to do a secret sister packet, etc etc. 2 atc swaps to go out on monday so must do envelopes. I guess I have my marching orders!
if there's something interesting to report will do

sweatingly
lin

Can I go back to bed?

2007-08-03T08:21:00.000-04:00

Last night we took kelly out to dinner as part of our goodbye to her. SHe is leaving for Argentina in September to study Tango and Spanish and her last day here is 8/24. Since there's vacation issues we decided the best day to take her out was yesterday. And a good time was had by all of us. We giggled and laughed so much I think people in the restaurant thought we were drunk. NOpe. We went to Aunt Carrie's, a seafood shack in Narragansett that has the BEST food. A great location near the ocean, just all around great everything. I will reflect in detail on the adventure another time but I am beat as I didn't get home until almost 11.

Am in some hot water with dad as I didn't come home when I said I would. But it's kind of tough to control what's going on if you are depending on a ride, which I was. I just hope he will understand.

I put a photo of kelly up above--she's the one in black and a turtleneck behind the boxes--it's her sly sense of humor I will always remember and her ability to see the absurd in everything...

sadly

lin

OKAY I am a Clutterer and a pack rat

2007-08-02T11:32:00.000-04:00

Feel like a 12-stepper, eh? BUt it's true. If you saw my room you would be horrified at how much stuff is in there and how little space I use wisely. Not at all
Dad called me at 9:15 and complained about it, not a new thing. I just haven't been able to get over my packrat tendencies.
But now that he HAS said something I am resolved to finally do something about it.
But not until I finish Marge. And I told him that. But I have a plan.....
Closet
Computer Desk area
Wall area near closet (on left)
further to left--door/desk area
Window area and before

I need to get someone to clear out the storage area at Lanmar and dump it all--I don't want it. It's all from my past life and don't want it AT ALL

But closet first, then I can really start fixing things up.

No, you don't even want to see what it looks like. Looks like I know what I'm doing this fall and winter every weekend

I also need to STOP BUYING STUFF
until i know what it is I have
NO MORE CLOTHES
NO MORE CRAFT STUFF
(especially no more craft stuff)

PackRat in Pawtucket

Hmmmm

2007-08-02T09:03:00.000-04:00

Consistency is a problem
Boredom is a problem
Saw a t-shirt that read “live honestly” but what does that really mean?
Tell people the truth all the time? Even when it hurts you or them?
I’d like to tell the truth to myself sometimes—how much do I really lie to myself.

I meant it when I told dad that I struggle to get up every morning, that I would often rather hide from the world. That was being honest. I’m sometimes not sure that the journey is worth the struggle

But at least I don’t feel perpetually paralyzed.

Perhaps what I should be doing is setting down what goes on at work since it DOES have a great effect on me

Affect-effect

But affect is a noun too

I just can’t imagine being one of Jane’s patients—I would feel so undermined. That’s the right word for her—she psychologically undermines you
1. not ever understanding what you say
2. forgetting that you sent or gave her or told her something
(how much is deliberate)

For the first time in public (to financial consultant from TIAA) I admitted I AM AN ARTIST. Now I have to get past the “not very good” phrase.

He doesn't want to pose!

2007-08-01T08:35:00.000-04:00

I think the fish will be named Ziggy. After MUCH discussion and gnashing of teeth, Ziggy is his name. Silly fish will not pose for a photo--

Nothing much happening in my neck of the woods right now. Finished getting the atcs ready for the mega swap on swap-bot and all I have to do now is get the addresses on the envelopes.

Will report later if anything interesting happens. What a boring life I have! But I've lived too exciting a life so I think I deserve boring for a while.

Just another day's work

2007-07-31T12:40:00.000-04:00

came in early--left house at 5:50am to catch bus to get here for workshop we were running for the people we deal with at the hospitals. Stopped in the office to pick up my laptop (turned out I didn't need it) and turn on computer for Michael the student worker. Workshop went very well except for a couple of minor glitches including J coming late and insisting on inserting a joke and a cheat sheet--this could have been done yesterday but NO! course not. I'm sure liz was livid about that.

However....it went well. as usual too much food left over but the scavengers will take care of that.

THere is a job posting I'm interested in, that of an institutional research coordinator at Leadership Alliance--but I still don't necessarily want to leave. Anyway it prompted me to hunt for my CV rather than my resume. That allowed me to find some of the poems I'd written years ago--was rather nice to see them. My real faves of those I wrote are still missing--all I found were the short ones. "Personal" and "Sorrow" and "October" are still somewhere--as is "My knife." would love to find those.

Last night organized the ATCs for swap-bot mega swap--though I just realized it's a 2 atc to 10 people swap. damn--only brought 10. lunch time i'm going to decorate the envelopes and stuff them since swap begins tomorrow. I'm sure decorating the envies are just a fad for me right now--I'll get tired of doing them, just like I get tired of so much else. Sigh.

I am looking over the pages I've posted. Pretty dull so far.

photo is from another workshop we ran back in March, for faculty this time. A good time was had by all I guess.

I thought it was going to be less humid today-THEY LIED!

sweating,

lin

Rainy Days and Mondays

2007-07-30T08:41:00.000-04:00

As the song goes, Rainy Days and Mondays get me down. Imagine what it feels like to have a rainy morning on a Monday. Awakened by a vicious thunderstorm that poured lots of rain which compounds the rain we had yesterday. About 1 ½ inches fell yesterday—maybe about an inch this morning. Sun's coming out and we'll have Soupy air again but it’s supposed to be cooler tomorrow and Wednesday.

The fish is still nameless but Liz and Jeanie (co-workers) do admire him. He is starting to settle down a bit—I’m leaving him in the tank I bought on Saturday at the store—he seems happy with it so I think it’s best to let him be.

Tomorrow is an early day for me. We have a workshop for administrators in the medical departments we deal with. I should be here no later than 7 but am planning to take the earliest bus I can that won’t drive me nuts with getting up early. That would be about 6 I think. Yuck. I have trouble getting up now as it is. I used to be such an early bird too.

This is it for now. Must get down to work. Must work on a chart tracking faculty hires since 1997

Sigh. I always find it odd that I did so badly with math in school and here I am working on numbers all the time

another HHH day

2007-07-29T13:36:00.000-04:00

It's raining at the moment and that's not a bad thing since we need the rain--not as badly as those in the south and west but there are parts of Rhode Island that never seem to have enough water.

By the way, the photo at left is an old postcard of lower Broadway in Pawtucket.

I made myself feel better by spending money at addictedtorubberstamps.com for things I don't really need. well, some of it I do--I needed a better moon stamp for one thing which of course wasn't on sale--ATR is having a big sale and it figures that the things I needed most they didn't have on sale. but there was plenty of other stuff to buy

When I feel like it I'm going to start uploading past journal entries just becuase. I also need to post more artwork on Webshots. Signed up for a collage atc swap on swap-bot which should be fun. Dropped out of the newspaper atc swap--just don't feel like doing it.

need to work on the chunky book project--a bunch of Yahoo-ers are doing a chunky book out of a scrapbook of high school pictures owned by the MIL of one of the Yahoo-ers. We have no information about these people and so have decided to make up stories about them. but in a good way.

I need to post some of what I've done, work on this stuff and talk about it. Funny how I feel intimidated by this medium. I don't seem to be in the habit of writing like I used to be.

time to get to work...
me

And another thing...

2007-07-28T16:07:00.001-04:00

The other big news around here is a shooting on Coyle Avenue, about 3 blocks away. NOT the kind of thing you expect in my neighborhood even if it is the wrong side of the tracks. The odd thing was that I recognized the guy who was killed by the cops--didn't know him but I was familiar with him from the neighborhood. Just a ne'er-do-well released from jail last weekend. Typically one of his family members "speaking exclusively to Eyewitness News" was bleating on about how this guy was "turning his life around"--if that was the case what was he doing apparently committing B&E with a semi-automatic? And waving it around at police? Me no understand. I'm saddened when anyone dies but I get a little annoyed. Maybe it was excessive force. I wasn't there. But You don't go waving a gun around at cops and expect them to like it.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20001770/from/ET/

So it's Saturday

2007-07-28T15:55:00.000-04:00

Rather warm, about 89 with high humidity but that is typical at this time of year in RI. Big news of the day for me is that I have a new fish to bring to work on Monday--no name yet. I can guarantee that he won't be called either Eddy (Liz's fish) or Eli (well, that would be bad for the fish--to name him after the not so fearless leader of where I work).
Thursday I lost my Jean Luc Poisson whom I'd had for about a year--a refugee from the Stat Sciences office which had neglected him. Poor thing. I like to think that he had a better second half of his life

Anyway, I am starting a blog not because I think anyone really necessarily needs another blog on the internet, least of all mine, but because I have been inspired by "Artful Blogging' a new book published by Stampington. I am a sort-of artist, still finding my way at the ripe old age of 46, and have decided that I need to establish some sort of presence, especially since I have started a business of my own on Ebay. Not that I need that really but ...

It's a distraction from a rather difficult period in my life at work. I would like to be able to write about that but am not sure if there are those in my division who would be reading it and deciding to, shall we say, terminate my services as a result of my comments.

So, I'm going to use this space to meditate upon the path my life is taking, trying to NOT sound new agey and touchy feely because that's not the kind of gal I am.

I don't have samples of my work posted here but you can see early stuff at http://community.webshots.com/user/linpengie.

Maybe I'm being too self-deprecating. I usually am. I'm going to wait awhile before letting people know this is here though.

ttfn
lin\\